Note: I have left this personal post as a draft for a while now but after listening to a Simon Sinek podcast today, I realized both the link to the podcast and my little blog post should be shared. I can’t be the only one struggling with this if Simon Sinek and Nicole Avant were hitting so many of my thoughts – definitely two people I would love to have come for dinner!
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My children teach me so much. Sometimes it is so simple and beautiful that I cry and sometimes it is a mirror of my own (not so nice) behavior and I cringe at what I have inadvertently passed along. Specifically, I heard my child use the word stupid to describe a public figure in a tone that sounded all too familiar. I went through all the responses you can imagine. Sitting with that can be pretty painful but this time it ultimately created a desire to change and grow – often including sleepless nights and mornings as I cleaned (and continue to clean) out the cobwebs to boil things down to actions.
With the growing rage in national politics over the past few years, a lot of public and private discussions quickly became heated arguments. News shows felt more like boxing matches. More than ever it became acceptable to belittle and demean instead of using crafted arguments to build actual political support around moral character and legislative intentions. We seem to have stopped specifically mentioning what behaviors or legislation we disliked or we felt were inappropriate or even morally corrupt and have just regressed into name calling as if we were on a pre-anti-bullying playground. “He’s stupid, vote for me.” is not a slogan I remember growing up but it seems to be catching on. Adult name calling seems to have become more acceptable in our society during the pandemic, especially on social media where we easily can dehumanize. Is our online communication presence taking the driver’s seat? Is it rewriting our interpersonal skills? How have we moved so far away from constructive discussions?
Stupid wasn’t something that was likely to be heard in meetings with Robert’s Rules or structured debates. The rules were delineated, etiquette prevailed. Stupid is not something one would have heard from Congressman Silvio Conte or Senator Ted Kennedy when decorum filled the U. S. Capitol. Belittling was not something tolerated in our house when I was growing up. Instead, I think my parents consciously tried to model respect, even if they were belittled. No matter what your age or education status, being called stupid is hurtful and disrespectful. I think it intentionally is the low blow that is known to throw someone off guard. It is demeaning. So why did I tumble down the rabbit hole and start to use the same language? How did it become so acceptable?
I think personally, it comes from immense frustration and grabbing the easy ammunition versus having actual conversations about that which we disagree and finding common ground. If you look at angry encounters with those you love, it is so easy to attack using personal triggers. It feels like you get the points toward the ultimate win but in reality you usually feel really horrible after you have done it because we know it was the cheap shot. Stupid is a trigger for those we know and those we don’t; it is the easy target. To me it feels unequivocally tied to shame or shaming. In no situation does this tactic help move an argument forward. It only damages future trust and communication. But I wonder if hearing and reading the constant attacks in the media and immense amount of anger on social media breaks down my social norms and kindness filters. I think I unknowingly joined the online angry mob.
At one point, I actually tried to reach out to someone on social media that didn’t agree with me politically. I thought that the needed shift to healing in our country was going to have to be done one person at a time and I should try to talk to someone other than those with whom I agree. While I thought I was offering an olive branch with hopes of building some sort of understanding, I got completely torched. I was basically told I was stupid and my beliefs were uneducated and anti-American. This interaction taught me a few things. First, trying to get back to actual discussions is harder than I expected. Second, we have lost much of the decorum that existed in politics that allowed for working across the aisles, both of Congress and the local grocery store. Third, all sides of the argument seem to be using the same language to degrade the opposition. It is no wonder that we cannot grow as individuals and as a society.
But perhaps the biggest thing upon reflection was actually that I remain part of the problem. This person’s response to my invitation to talk only fueled my response of “see, I am right” or “I won.” My arrogance and privilege got in the way. My use of stupid really is about feeling superior to someone else. That feels really icky. Now you see why I have not been able to sleep.
With more reflection I realized the big problem is that while not outwardly saying it, I was assuming the solution would be something I believe to be correct. However, the outcome of healing in our communities is not that we will all come together and think just like I do or just like you do or just like your neighbor, but instead the outcome should be that we are all heard, all safe and all valued. We cannot expect everyone to be at the same state of growth at the same time. None of us have had the same opportunities or experiences in life. We are not all privileged to have the time and ability to reflect in the same way. Predominately in the United States, only the wealthy have the luxury of a therapist or personal coach that helps encourage personal growth and reflection. That is actually a big deal. If you are worried about trying to put food on the table, financial worries are likely on the front burner and societal growth and maybe even personal growth is not your priority. If you are caring for a sick parent or child, you don’t have time to breathe and are not reading the local news or latest New York Times recommendation.
The disparity in things like education is significant and we have a long way to go to achieve more equity. In the meantime, the biggest challenge for all of us is recognizing each other as fellow humans. Different levels of education does not mean that someone should be valued more or less or their feelings shouldn’t matter. We need to be more aware of the tendency to belittle so we can keep our egos in check. If all I do is tell my kids they are wrong, no growth will occur. Coaches and teachers get a lot more our of athletes and students when the environment is supportive of growth and encourages exploration and curiosity.
If we are more curious like Ted Lasso suggests, we need to ask better questions. We actually need to listen to people that have different lawn signs, bumper stickers and lifestyles and that might be uncomfortable. Perhaps taking our conversations off of social media, meeting in person or picking up the phone may help build a more authentic relationship or at least start to bring down the level of intensity. Sharing our personal stories and hopes and fears is what leads to better understanding and growth as individuals and a community. And it takes time and patience.
We have all had aha moments in life with some life altering. Most major changes in thinking come from ideas being introduced several times prior with the lightbulb finally glowing once the idea gets real traction in our minds. These life altering moments of healthy growth were never from someone shaming me or belittling me. They were when I felt safe and supported and could be open to new perspectives. I still struggle to catch myself to not say stupid. It is a bad habit and hard to unlearn overnight but definitely an imperative to earn a seat at the community table……. Oh and by the way, the person on social media reached out to start a dialogue of sorts. It is a start.
DON’T MISS THE CHANCE TO HEAR THIS CONVERSATION BETWEEN SIMON SINEK AND NICOLE AVANT – https://simonsinek.com/discover/episode-31-respect-with-nicole-avant/
If you have not heard of Simon Sinek, you will definitely want to go back to some of his other work including his Ted Talks.